Someone invites you to work with them on a project–your (insert your spasm-struck body part here) chest tightens for a split second. If you are really smooth, you say, “Thank you, I’ll think about it.” I’m not smooth, so I (sometimes and working on rarely) say, “I’m really excited for you, great idea! That sounds like fun!”  And I really mean that–but it always sounds like more of a YES than I mean.  Either way, smooth or enthusiastically coltish, we both find ourselves hemming and hawing over the decision. Depending on our situation, we might even feel that saying NO is akin to breaking the rules (great tutorial on breaking the rules at Jeffrey Tang’s blog). If you find yourself twirling around these thoughts:

Should I? It could be good. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe I’ll make a pro/con list? Well, it won’t kill me, maybe it will make me stronger? I feel so guilty about not wanting to do this!

then you have officially entered into NO-gotiations. We are really talking our way around to NO–even though we know that’s the only true answer. We might even end up saying YES–but the energy of the No is undeniable. We drag it around and (okay, I’m just speaking for me here) get resentful, do a crappy job or end up having to pull out of commitments, which makes us feel even worse than if we’d just gone with No in the first place!

No-gotiating faster and with aplomb:
Listen to your body–it usually knows before you do. Keep a single post it note (or memo in your phone) handy and write down how you physically feel every time someone asks you a yes/no question today. What did you notice?
Write a script down for yourself and USE IT when you talk to folks. I keep them simple (and YES, I do have to keep these on my wall in my office and practice them), and customize them when needed:

NO, thank you (pause 2, 3, 4, 5)
I am intrigued! I need more information. How much time, money, energy, blood sweat and tears are involved?
Wow, I’m really flattered. Thank you, no.
I am not available for that. (pause 2, 3, 4, 5)

UPDATE: 7pm. My friend, Bob Peterson contributed this via Facebook today. It’s called the NO SANDWICH METHOD.

“It’s cheesy (not literally like provolone or swiss) but highly effective. The “bread” is letting the asker know you understand what is being asked (1st piece) The second slice is why you are saying no. The “meat” is “NO.” Not ” I can’t” or some other variation. It’s simple, but powerful. Ex. Wanna smoke a bowl? The “sandwich”…. “Hey, I … know you wanna get with me, but NO, b/c it’s not my thing, I’m a student athlete and don’t wanna get kicked off the team, etc….Like I said cheesy/corny, but it really works.”

Ask a trusted friend to listen to you. What do they hear?
Pound the pavement and find your way to your natural no. Oprah has a great series of articles on saying no.

Danielle LaPorte kicks butt–and she knows how to say NO! We did really fun interview for her new digital experience, The Firestarter Sessions, and somehow landed on selfishness, porn, entrepreneurial spirit and NOT-doing-it. Yes, you have to buy the thing to see the video. Yes, it’s worth it and yes, I became an affiliate (I get some moolah if you buy it from my link). Click on the image below to find out the scoop.

Say YES to saying no;

Where are you no-gotiating today?

Photo by fotogail. Used with permission under a Creative Commons license.

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I had a BLAST talking with Andy Epstein about strategies for keeping focus, being creative and leading with your strengths in corporate (or new to you) environments. Please listen in, tell me your experiences, ask questions and share ideas in the comments.

Related posts:

1. Struggles+Strengths=Strategies
2. Conference Connecting: You’ve got their business card, now what? (Part 2 of 3)
3. Lead with what’s JUICY!

This post is inspired by Garr Reynold’s post on his struggle with an book-writing deadline (using the brilliant video by Lewis Black on writing a book.)

No matter your art/practice form–you may have tripped over, felt strangled by or obsessed with a deadline. Take back your power!

My best practice involves a ritualized clearing of at least 3 days. WAIT, don’t stop reading because this sounds ridiculous. Even if you take an hour a day for three days–this WORKS. What is your project worth to you? How much time have you already invested NOT doing the work or griping about not doing the work?

1. Day One: silence (no talk, music, media, reading; only handwriting–my tools are post-its or 3×5 cards and a fountain pen, so I have to slow down to do it).

2. Day Two: incorporate everything that came up on day one into book/project–avoid most media not related to feeding yourself or the book (when you backslide into unrelated activities: stop. get pen/paper and take a walk–up a hill, if possible, for 15 minutes at least (not sure why this works, maybe the butt-burn distracts me from the distraction)).

3. Day three: disclose accomplishments to editor/accountability partner/shrewd friend & integrate changes.

Rinse.Repeat.

Works for me when I do it. (and you’ll notice I haven’t written a book—hi-ever, many a workshop/curriculum now live because I shut the heck up and took these steps).

How do you keep yourself rolling? What fun do you have with deadlines?

Image by RandySonofRobert. Used under a Creative Commons License.

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1. DIY: Accountability!

Get Going and Keep Going: accountability partners

These Accountability tips were included in Monique Hodgkinson’s blog, A Stable Solution. Check her out–she is putting some great ideas out there for newbies to small business.

I am more accountable to others than to myself. Seriously. Yes, I’m a coach, advisor and all-around whip cracker. But I need help keeping my projects going while I help you with yours. SO, about 5 years ago, a few friends started an Accountability Group. We met weekly and shared ideas for, success stories about and roadblocks to our projects and goals. Over the years, I have taught many groups, organizations and pairs how to use the Accountability Process. It has worked tremendously for me, my clients and I trust will for you, too.

My intention here is to encourage folks to be accountable to their own projects with others who help us stay honest, on track and in motion. The goal of an accountability partner or group is not only to get feedback (if you want it), share resources and ideas but mostly to give you an opportunity to report your progress, celebrate accomplishments and set (and KEEP) realistic goals for yourself.

Here’s a brief how-to get started with a partner or a group (if you get it are ready to skip right to the worksheet, click here).

1. Be choosy about your partners.

This may be a no-brainer, so bear with me. You may be friends, but may not be ideal accountability partners. Does the person you are considering show up? Do what they say they will do? Have a critical (constructive) eye? Will they give you honest feedback? Are they a positive person?

2. Communicate early and often.

Ever notice how you may start a group or partner with someone, then it fizzles out with no warning? It’s critical with an accountability process that it works for you and all involved. Check in periodically with the group or your partner and ask: how’s this working for you? Are you getting what you need? Do you need to re-evaluate when/where you are checking in? is one person hosting all the time? Is the hour of the meeting still working for everyone?

3. Use a clear process:

It can be as simple as a 15-minute phone or quick email check in at the end of a day or on a deadline. Agree on when you’ll check in with your partner or meet with your group. Show up on time and be clear: what did you intend to get done? Did you do it? Do you want feedback or support (be specific about what you want from others)? And clearly state the next step or deadline. The process can change over time and each person may put their own twist on it—don’t get stuck in a process that isn’t serving everyone involved.

Get going! Click here for your Accountabilty Check-In Sheet. Use it, change it, make it work for you. Let me know if you adapt it and how so I can share it here. Big thanks to Elektra Grant, who hosted the first Accountability Group, developed the original check in worksheet and has championed me as I continue to pursue my passion of helping YOU help yourself.

So…how do you stay accountable? Who helps keep you accountable? Let me know in the comments.

Related posts:

1. How-To: Get a Project GOING!
2. Client Tell: Brownie Blockade, Part 1
3. “I do.” Making and Keeping Commitments to Myself

Have you felt like you are dragging a bag of leaky onions around behind you? Do you have a list of struggles, complaints, to dos, woes as long as your arm? I get it, really. I made an art out of dragging that stinky pile of rotten veggies around. I was 100% focused on that other shoe dropping any second—so much so that I couldn’t celebrate my accomplishments. YIKES!

I came face-to-face with a realization that I was sick of hearing myself bitch. I made my list of struggles into WHO I was being (in addition to what I wasn’t doing for myself). I wasn’t interested (at ALL) in that version of me. One of the key lessons I learned doing my masters’ in Community Psychology is that we do better, achieve more and are healthier when we focus on what we CAN do versus what we can’t do. Okay, so you’ve heard all of this before, be positive, you’ll get more bees with honey, keep a stiff upper lip. What’s different here is that I’m not going to tell you to ignore your struggles, but to use them for GOOD.

Get going! Okay—so here’s something to play with. Feel free to use this worksheet or 3×5 cards or paper or your fabulous brain to play my game, Struggles+Strengths=Strategies:

List all the issues, conflicts and delayed decisions you have going on in the Struggles column. Then, list all those amazing things about you: your talents, savory skills, or anything you get complimented for, under Strengths. Now, take a Struggle and pair it with a Strength, any strength, and let your creative juices flow! Create as many Strategies as you can, a “could do” list that may help you turn your Struggle into a success!

How’d it work for you? Did you find any surprise strengths? Strategies? Get stuck? Ask a friend to help you play, post your questions and comments below so we can all learn from your greatness.

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The Creative Freelancer Conference is 21 days away! Imagine yourself at the CFC, you are well-stocked with business cards and taking notes on the ones you collect. Here comes the juicy part, and it’s all in the wrist: FOLLOW UP and FOLLOW THROUGH!

Here are my 3 tips for taking your connection to the next level:

• Set a doable date to follow through. Pick a date and schedule it! Send e-mails or call the folks you connected with within a week or two of the conference. There is also no better sign that you are sincere, committed to your business and interested in other solopreneurs’ growing their businesses.
• Thank them when you reach out. Tell them what was useful to you from your conversation with them. Did they inspire you or share a resource? Remember to remind them who you are and how you connected in the first place. Refer to the notes on your card. Take a moment, before you follow through, to look at their website and refresh your memory about who they are and why they are a good connection for you.
• Show&Share. A CFC blog reader made an excellent suggestion to ask folks to add them to your newsletter mailing list. Great idea! When you follow through, consider sending a post-conference update with what you learned. Send your favorite CFC photo or offer a tip. Make a point to ask them how their project(s) is going or what their latest accomplishment is.

So. . .how do you follow through? Do you have any tips for how to make the post-conference connect meaningful for you? Do you have a story of a great collaboration that came from a conference?

image by spitzgogo. Used under a Creative Commons license.

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1. Conference Connecting: You’ve got their business card, now what? (Part 2 of 3)
2. Conference Connecting: Part 1 of 3

The Creative Freelancer Conference is 32 days away! Have you ordered extra business cards, yet? In part one of this series, I suggested that you Take a box of 500 cards to the CFC; Give said cards out and Ask others for their cards. Now what?

Imagine you’ve met a riveting fellow solopreneur, you had a great talk and they are walking away, stop for a moment and jot down a few notes on their card! A week (or 10 days. . .okay or 3 months) from now you’ll be able to quickly figure out who it was who wanted to refer a client to you, share cab fare to O’Hare or give you tips on eco-friendly printers.

Here are my 3 tips for taking notes on business cards:
1. I noticed ________________ about them. This is a great place to write down a physical description or note something remarkable about them as a person.

2. I learned ________________ about their service, business or websites your new collaborator recommends to you.

3. I.O.U. ________________. I always think of great people ideas or information to share when I meet new folks. Share your ideas, resources and contacts—it’s an amazing way to connect! Be sure to include what you think they might like to know about what you are up to.

Be sure to jot a quick “CFC” on the back of their card, too, even though you think you will remember where you met. I have had many “where the heck did I get this card?!” experiences. Save yourself the mystery and take advantage of the treasure chest you’ll find at this year’s CFC!

So…how do you connect at conferences? Is there anything you do in advance to make it easier to connect once you’re there? Or do you have a story of a missed connection? Click here to let us know.

(NEXT: You collected cards, shared yours and took notes—NOW WHAT?)

image by jeffbauche. Used under a Creative Commons license.

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1. Conference Connecting: It’s All In the Wrist! (Part 3 of 3)
2. Conference Connecting: Part 1 of 3

The Creative Freelancer Conference is approaching like a comet! Are you feeling ready and game? Have you thought about how to make connections with folks while you are in Chicago? The way we join up with other solo entrepreneurs will certainly color our immediate conference experience, but it could also lead to bigger and better things business-wise after the conference.

Here are 3 things that will help you connect and cavort while you are at the CFC:

1. Take a box of 500 (even if you end up using 30) business cards, calling cards, name cards, chico bags with info you want to share on them.

2. Give said cards to people you connect to; duh. I am writing this not to beat you about the head with the obvious—but to remind you that at a 3-day conference of 300+ folks, you may only have 45 seconds to personally interact with someone who piques your interests, curiosity or who you’d like to know more about. Be intentional about what you want. If that includes connecting, collaborating, or wanting access to great humans in your field—make it easy for them to find you.

3. Ask others for their cards. There are more fringe-dwelling solo-artists out there, many of whom are not used to talking to strangers. It is totally okay that you “don’t do networking,” but please don’t let that keep you from showing up in Chicago as available to connect. And for entrepreneurial sake: don’t get caught rationing the wallet dose of 15 cards you brought to an national conference of terrific folks who showed up to connect with you!

So…how do you connect at conferences? Is there anything you do in advance to make it easier to connect once you’re there? Or do you have a story of a missed connection? Click here and let me know.

(And look out for part TWO of this blog post: You collected cards and shared yours—NOW WHAT?)

image by mrflip. Used under a Creative Commons license

Related posts:

1. Conference Connecting: You’ve got their business card, now what? (Part 2 of 3)
2. Conference Connecting: It’s All In the Wrist! (Part 3 of 3)